When people don't want you to change

If you have ever tried to break free from the life you have with the aim to do something else and better in life like shifting career path, self-development, or changing your habits to become healthier then you most likely have been exposed to the "Get Back Into Place-tactic" (GBIP) from people close to you. You might even be using the GBIP-tactic yourself. 

So, what is this tactic all about and why do we use it?

Lisa who is a friend of mine decided to apply for a management job within her company. For many years she had been working nine to five and the last 8 years she had been a single mom, but now her daughter was moving out of the house and my friend said that this was her moment to work actively on getting an interesting job, better salary, and getting the possibility to increase her pension savings. Of course, it meant a bigger workload, added stress and she also had to put in the extra hours for free to learn new skills, but she really wanted this job and thought that she could make a difference.

How Lisa experienced the GBIP-tactic used towards her

Her parents could not understand why she wanted to go through all this stress at this point in her life. "You are not the type that handle stress well" they said.

Her friends said that instead of spending so much time on work and get burned out she should enjoy being single and spend time on social activities instead. Lisa's best friend said that she did not like the person she was when she was stressed, and she did not want to be around her during any of the stressful work periods.

Her closest colleagues stopped having the social coffee breaks with her.

It would be an understatement to say that all this made Lisa feel insecure about whether she was making the right choice or not.

Some days she got extremely disappointed in her family and friends and reacted with assertiveness and aggressiveness towards them. Other days she almost gave in to the group pressure because of fear of getting rejected and left out.

The interesting part is that all these people were using the GBIP-tactic without being aware of it.

The motive for using it

When a person close to you breaks the usual patterns and goes through a positive personal development you will most likely get acquainted with the emotion fear and experience a resistance inside you towards changes.

For years you have known what to expect from your relationship with this person but now you feel doubts and are questioning the importance of your own role in this relationship.

Lisa's parents had until now been having the caring role and strong role because of her status as a single mom and a basic salary. They frequently invited her over for dinner and helped with clothes and presents for her daughter. Now the balance had shifted. She would no longer need them to help her financially and there would be less time to have the dinners together.

Her friends who were enjoying this stage of life with grown up children and therefor more time to do social activities were disappointed. How would Lisa ever get time to go the movies or theatres with them?

The work colleagues liked their little group and felt that they could mirror themselves in each other. When Lisa broke out of the patterns it forced them to look at their own role in the workplace. One of them got reminded that she years ago was thinking of advancing but after a heavy argument with her husband about how to share the responsibilities at home she gave up on the idea. Lisa's promotion brought up the old bitterness and frustration that she felt back then and to avoid feeling like this she used the GBIT-tactic to get the patterns back in order.

Why it is so important to resist the GBIT-tactic

In the end you will experience the fear of feeling guilty about jeopardising your relationships with people close to you. This can become an obstacle and stop you from making any kind of change in your life. It is hard to stand one's ground when people you love react strongly towards your new behaviour. For most people the new journey stops here, and everything goes back to usual. You will end up feeling the bitterness and frustration like Lisa's work colleague.

How to resist the GBIT-tactic

1. Start by thinking: "Right or wrong, I will make my own decisions"
2. Tell the people close to you that you can see how this change can be difficult for them, but this is something that you have to do, and you really want their support in this
3. Ask what you together with them can do to improve the situation
4. Acknowledge the people who support you either face to face or on a text. That will bring you more positive energy
5. Seek the people who cheers for you

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